More park tragedies

After his last fall from my last post, I was surprised that Neal would be willing to get back on the horse, so to speak. However, I misjudged his huge capacity for fun...and pain.
Here he is, walking the top rung of the handrail like a balance beam.



Oh, no! His feet slipped and he's going down!



I hope he doesn't land painfully..


That's his wife in the background laughing at him by the way. I'm just not sure why anyone would find such horrible human tragedy so funny. It boggles my sensitive mind.

Oh well, perhaps someone can learn something from this. I know I didn't.

tragedy at the park

The family all went to Arizona last week to visit with our friends Candice and Neal. While we were there, we all went to the park. Even Neal, who is my age, got in the spirit and played on some of the equipment. Unfortunately, tragedy befell him. The only good news is that I was able to capture it on film.


The first picture is of my sweet boy Donavan, who would never hurt a fly...or would he?



Here's Neal exhibiting extraordinary balance, but wait! Donavan moves in and pushes his legs, thus creating an imbalance that is impossible to recover from!




Oh no! Neal is going down!



Ouch! Poor Neal. Probably a dislocated shoulder. Oh well.

Jay-Z

I went to a concert on Saturday that I thought was pronounced "Jay's" as in "Jay's polka/gypsy melody by The Emeralds". Google it. It's hot. Here was the countdown with 9 minutes to go:



Here it is at 8 minutes and 54 seconds to go:



Here it is with 8 minutes and 47 seconds:



Anyway, you get the idea. Apparently though I was very confused. I was expecting this:



Much to my surprise, I got this:



His name is pronounced "Jay-Zee" and my ears rang for the rest of the night. There were speakers there that were as big as my truck. The base vibrated my liver until it liquified. I'm pretty sure I'll have to go to the Dr. to get it fixed. Here is a short video:



He appreciates all y'all energy. We were in a box seat which was cool because I didn't have to mingle with the filthy commoners and there was only a few of us there-my brother in law Jared being one of them. He has deep soul roots from his mission years in South Africa. Plus we had our own bathroom which is nice. Jay-Z is worth somewhere in the hundreds of millions of dollars and is married to Beyonce Knowles, who is also worth hundreds of millions of dollars. At the end of the show he said he started with nothing but his ambition and said if we had a dream, we could do it too. That's why I'm here to announce my own rap career. I shall be called "Pasty Whiteness" and I will be going on tour in 2012 with "Vanilla Ice". There are still a few details to be worked out, but needless to say, Kasie is a lucky woman to be hitched to my rocket-wagon of success.

Harry Potter family

Here is a super hard halloween quiz: See if you can tell who the real Harry Potter character is?















And also the scary boys. Donavan didn't want to take this costume off. I wouldn't either if I had muscles like that.

boy of steel

This is what I came home to today. Kasie had called to warn me that her son pulled the file cabinet down on himself (what you're looking at is a file cabinet with it's drawers opened on its front). She heard a loud crash and went out to find him pinned underneath. We were happy he hadn't been crushed to death. That sucker is not light. I wondered how he had escaped without breaking something and then the next thing I saw was my revelation.

(Cue the superman theme song) Yes, it was superboy! Born from two superhero parents- a father whose strength and speed and superhandsomeness are legendary throughout the village of Brigham City; and a mom whose powers are primarily blogging based- it made sense that the boy would have the ability to not only destroy anything he touches with blinding speed, but also be impervious to the ill effects- such as being crushed or cleaning up after his super-messes. Yes, it has all become clear to me. Now, how to slow down his super-destructiveness....hmmm...

Side note: The second picture was taken just after I lifted the file cabinet back up off the ground.
Side note 2: Earlier in the day to save her son, Kasie had a burst of supermom strength to lift that thing off him just long enough so he could wriggle out.

Some old friends..

While we were in New York we ran into several other of my friends/acquaintances/political rivals. This first picture is my old Jockey friend Bill Shoemaker. Little beknownst to most of you, Bill and I go way back to when we were both in jockey school together. Even though they kept taking my checks and telling me that if I just kept paying I'd be great someday; I actually think I was never destined to be a jockey. Perhaps it was the fact that my knees kept hitting the horse in the ears when we rode.



Speaking of "Bills", there's me and my homeboy Bill Gates. I've finally forgiven him for ripping off my idea of becoming the richest man in the universe. Technically, I didn't have any "marketable" ideas, or any "skills" to speak of. However, it was always my idea first to become mega-wealthy and he stole my dream. I had called "dibs" on it years ago. In this picture I'm whispering that if he doesn't give me 10 billion dollars I'm going to reveal to the world his dark secret, that he originally wanted to call his software "Silly Billy's Willy Nilly Computa-madilly!" True story.



Why won't this guy ever give me some privacy so I can just do my job? He's always pestering me to let him use the phone and the whitehouse "guitar hero" game. He's like an annoying little brother sometimes. Note my look of impatience as he rudely listens in on my call to Uzbekistan.




Hello Dali! That one always kills him. Ah, what can I say about my partner in peace, the master of meditation, the king of karma-The Dali Lama!!!! Now go back and read that in the voice of a pro wrestling announcer. That will give you a feel for what it sounded like for real when "the Lama" and I fought as a tag team in the 80's. We actually took the intercontinental title belts from Andre the Giant and Randy "Superfly" Snooka on a technicality. They hit us in the back of the heads with chairs and were disqualified.




Finally, my twin brother Brad Pitt has been begging me to take a picture with him for ages. The resemblance is uncanny for sure, however, I think my eyes look a little weird- maybe I'm just being self-conscious though.

My Wax Me

While we were in the wax museum Kasie thought it would be a good idea if I pretended to be someone famous and see if anyone would take their picture with me. I stood there by Samuel L. Jackson off and on for a while and quite a few people actually did stand right in front of me and stare at me trying to figure out what famous tall person I was. We only took one picture of a little girl standing by me and it turned out blurry, but here is a short video clip that gives you the idea. The guy in the background is Samuel L. Jackson and the guy in front is me in case you couldn't tell the difference.

An ugly incident in New York

Whilst in New York this month it became obvious to me that I am irresistable to women. I was just walking down the street wearing a hat and t-shirt and suddenly Tyra Banks, Elle McPherson, and many other famous women all swarmed to me like so much bees to the proverbial honey as it were. There was an awkward moment or two when a cat fight erupted betwixst them all to see who would be my date. Then after I let that play out for a while, I had to break the news that I am currently married. I said "currently" to see if another cat fight would ensue with them and Kasie. It did and Kasie defeated them all with a series of spinning roundhouse kicks. The only consolation prize for them was that I allowed them to each take a picture with me. As you can see, some of the women were better sports than others. Selma Hayek (top picture) looks especially dejected at not being selected as my main squeeze. J Lo continued to glare at the other women, especially Kasie, with extreme venom.

New Jersey

I went to New Jersey for a training meeting recently and Kasie decided to tag along. While there, we discovered why Hank Aaron was such an amazing baseball player. Here is a picture of me and a statue of him. By the way, that statue is life size. No wonder he was so awesome. Immediately after this picture was taken, the statue came to life and smashed me like a bug with his angry bronze fist.

We ate at "Casa Dante" that night complements of Dylan Tanner's insistence that we go. The food was very good but the neighborhood was not.

Eye of the Tiger

When one thinks of the "Eye of Tiger" as many of us do throughout the day, the image of Rocky III or some other inspiring image may spring to mind. I however, think of a young boy who has the courage to fly in the face of convential thinking. He lives life with pants off and sunglasses on. The proof that he is rocking out is only visible in the twitch of one knee. I hope he will inspire you as he has inspired me.

Lucky Suit?

On my latest trip to "Casual Male XL" (for truly, who if not I exemplifies the qualities of an XL casual male?) I stumbled upon a small treasure. Perhaps I am underselling it, let me rephrase. It was the greatest thing that has ever happened to any man inside any casual male XL store since the beginning of time.

I was looking for shoes and not having luck when the proprietor of said store asked if I would be interested in a 44Long suit. He showed it to me and I said it was nice, but then he dropped the atom bomb of all price quotes. How about $45 dollars? He said that it was ringing up at that price when they got it in the store, which is at least $200 less than any other suit they had in stock. I assumed that someone had been buried in it, dug up, then the suit had been put on the rack. No sir! This suit was brand new, and never been worn. It seemed destiny had brought me and my lucky suit together and no force on earth would tear us apart (except perhaps a future spaghetti stain that the dry cleaner can't get out). Here's a winning picture of me and my lucky suit, ready to take on the world. Hopefully you'll see pictures of me and the lucky suit accepting the nobel prize and winning the heavyweight championship of the world soon.

2,010 calories
131 g fat (68 g saturated)
153 g sugars




I read on the internet one day an article about the worst drink in America. The #1 worst offender to health consciousness everywhere would be the one pictured above along with its glorious statistics . It's called the Cold Stone PB&C shake. It stands for peanut butter and chocolate and it is not for the faint of heart or stomach. I like many of you had the overpowering urge to run and buy one. It was delicious but I think I may have diabetes now...

credit card fraud?

So this month's credit card bill came and there were several charges from match.com an internet dating service, and skype-which I thought was a free internet call service, but apparently there are charge services as well. So I figured someone had somehow gotten our card info and started off their relationship on a basis of theft and lies. Good luck to them with that. If you ever meet someone on match.com be sure to ask them if they stole the credit card to pay for the membership. If they say, "no" tell them they are a liar and hang up. If they say "yes", tell them you find their honesty refreshing, agree to meet them for lunch, and then tell the police to show up at that time to arrest them. I suppose that by following my advice you'll technically never find anyone on match.com, but it's the right thing to do. This is the picture that's on match.com currently by the way. The man is only shown in that face on the floor position because the police have just arrived and are pushing him to the ground so they can handcuff him and take him to jail for stealing my credit card to try and meet women.

Disney Land

With swine flu in the air, we thought what better place to go than amongst the (close to the border), large crowds of Disneyland.















Here is me and my family. I'm the tall one on the left wearing the light pole costume.



Here's the girls on the teacups. Exactly 63 seconds later, we were all awash in vomit.














We met up with the Kenningtons and their family. Thanks to the Kennington parents for picking up the tab for everyone. (They won't know until they get their credit card bill) A special shout out goes to Barbara's hair rollers. "What's up hair rollers!?" I love this picture because it reminds me of my own mother and her rollers. Candi's brother Matt looks less than enthusiastic towards my wife's affection.
















Kasie got some new prescription sunglasses. The good news is that she was able to see everything clearly with them on. The bad news was that she had to wear them inside on the dark rides and everyone thought she was a drug dealer.















Here's the kids in a car at toon town.














The next day we went to the beach and got almost within a hundred yards of the actual water.

Floating water couch

This last weekend we took the boat out for the first trip of the year. Also joining us on our trip was our new tube. It is very spacious and has back and arm rests. I have mixed feelings about it because part of the fun for me as the driver is watching people go flying off the tube as I turn a top gun like 4 "g" turn. This thing is seemingly unflippable. It's good for old people and small children I suppose. Speaking of old people, one of my 91 year old clients felt it necessary to tell me about his uncontrollable diarhea today. He made a smooth segway from talking about stock market conspiracies to having to change his pants often. It went like this..."You'll never guess what happened to me the other day when I was getting out of my chair...". When I'm old, I'll try to remember to not bring up horribly embarassing personal problems unless someone asks about them.

New Home defense system

I finally broke down and bought a home defense system. I've been hesitant to do it for a long time because statistics are clear that more people are actually killed by their home defense system than are protected from intruders. Hopefully that won't be the case with this one. We got the mini model just in case.

Wicked

When we were in London we saw the musical "Wicked". I'm not a musical fan- per se, which is a latin phrase that means "I'd rather have someone touch my eyeball with their unwashed finger for 10 seconds straight". However, the charming English accents and the humorous songs made me not hate it.

One problem remains though, and that is that my mind has been totally blown. The musical is a backfill story explaining the gaps in the "Wizard of Oz". Now that I know the truth, how can I hate the wicked witch anymore? The tin man is really the one to hate?

I am now questioning all my core beliefs. Is up now down? Are dogs that marry cats not to be hated above all other unions in nature? Should I not think "Hot Rod" is a hilarious movie? Should I not hate the faux musician "Adele"?